Plot Summary

On October 12th, 1978, Nancy Spungen was found dead underneath the bathroom sink in the room she shared with Sex Pistols bassist Sid Vicious at the Hotel Chelsea in New York City. A single stab wound to the abdomen led to her untimely death at the age of 20. Nancy’s death concluded not only her tumultuous relationship with Sid Vicious, but also concluded 20 years of pain and suffering she endured at the hands of drug addiction and mental illness.

The story of Nancy and Sid was sensationalized, turning their abusive relationship into a staple of both the punk scene and pop culture. Behind the headlines and the punk aesthetic is the story of a young girl who lived an incredibly tortured life. From the day she was born until the day she died, Nancy Spungen was a victim of herself and the negligence of the medical system. Her mother, Deborah, wrote this book a few years after Nancy’s murder to shine a light on who she was prior to becoming one half of the infamous “Sid and Nancy”.

My Thoughts

Like most people, my only knowledge of Nancy Spungen was the romanticized version of her that has become so prominent in pop culture. I knew that she dated Sid Vicious from Sex Pistols, and I vaguely knew that she and Sid had died pretty close together, but other than that, I really had no true knowledge as to who Nancy Spungen was. My interest in her was piqued when I listened to a podcast episode that chronicled her murder. (Sidenote: I have tried to recall which podcast it was that released an episode about Nancy, but I cannot figure out where I first heard her story. I believe it was either You’re Wrong About or Murder in America, but neither of those podcasts currently have episodes about Nancy streaming. I know it was a podcast I listen to often, and none of the results that show up in searches sound familiar. I want to properly credit the podcast that inspired me to seek out this book, but unfortunately, I am unable to do so). The podcast in question went into deep detail about Nancy’s intense childhood and teenage years, and the hosts referenced this book often. I was curious to learn more about Nancy beyond how she is typically portrayed in the media (which for those unfamiliar, she is usually portrayed as a drug addict punk-chick who lived fast and died young), so I sought out her mother’s book.

Memoirs are actually one of my favorite non-horror genres to read, and I’ve read many memoirs over the years. However, I don’t think a single memoir has ever touched me the way that And I Don’t Want to Live This Life did. It is an incredibly raw and somber look at a poor girl who was failed from the day she was born, as well as an exploration of the impact she had on the family who tried so hard to love and support her through the hell she put them through. At times, I almost felt suffocated while Deborah Spungen detailed the ways in which she and her husband would desperately ask medical and educational professionals for help with Nancy’s increasingly dangerous behavior, only to be told that “nothing was wrong”. I can’t imagine how hopeless and trapped the family must have felt during those years. Just thinking about having a child or sibling who is inflicting harm and terror on your family, but who is also a victim of their own mind and actions, is just so heartbreaking and horrifying.

Deborah is brutally honest in the way that she depicts Nancy. The media has often vilified her, even going so far as to pen her “Nauseating Nancy” in the aftermath of her murder. A lot of journalists were so quick to discuss her drug addiction and her erratic behaviors at face-value without ever really delving into the deeper story. Deborah makes it very clear that her daughter was a difficult person to be around, and an even more difficult person to love. Nancy was someone who was constantly pushing boundaries, making threats, and destroying any semblance of peace that existed within the Spungen household. However, Nancy was not always a tornado of violence and vulgarity. There were so many moments within the book where I could see the beautiful person that was hidden underneath her unstable behaviors. Deborah was clear in showing both the good and bad moments throughout Nancy’s life. I think that’s what made this reading experience so hard. During her worst moments, I could understand why Nancy’s family was so exhausted from dealing with her. But she also had these moments where her love for life in general and the people she knew would shine through, and it broke my heart knowing that such beauty and kindness was often so overlooked due to her unfavorable behaviors. Deborah Spungen did not set out to clear her daughter’s name in this book; however, she did set out to humanize Nancy Spungen, and I think she truly achieved that goal.

I finished this book a few days ago, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it or Nancy. It may sound silly to sit here and feel sad over someone I never met. But my heart just aches thinking about the way Nancy’s life and death have been romanticized throughout the years. The reality is, Nancy had a very short and difficult life that ended way too young. Nancy often stated that she wouldn’t live to see 21, and she was correct; she was murdered when she was only 20. She truthfully didn’t seem to want to live that long, but I continue to wonder if things would’ve ended differently for her if she had received the help she so desperately needed. She truly was a complex individual, and I personally feel that she deserves more than being romanticized for living a crazy life and being murdered by her punk-rock boyfriend (who would later end his own life because he couldn’t live without her). The story of Sid and Nancy is not a punk-rock romance for the ages. It is a cautionary tale of abuse, mental illness, codependency, and addiction.

The story of Nancy Spungen’s life and death will probably continue to haunt me for the foreseeable future. If you are a fan of memoirs, or if you’re looking to change your perspective on a pop culture icon, I couldn’t recommend And I Don’t Want to Live This Life by Deborah Spungen more.

Picture of Nancy Spungen, originally posted in Nancy Spungen: The Figure of the 1970s Punk Rock ~ Vintage Everyday